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Business in a Pandemic

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This is how the pandemic has affected the economy: (and enjoy the nuances of the English language)

This lockdown has led to several local businesses going bankrupt.
The blouse manufacturer has gone bust.
The specialist in submersibles has gone down under.
The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.
The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with expenses.
The tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road.
The bread company has run out of dough.
The clock manufacturer has had to wind down and the owner has gone cuckoo.
The Chinese food company has been taken away.
The shoe shop owner has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
The bread bakeries are all toast.
And yes, it’s curtains for theatres.

Disgusting

A Penal Request

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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary on the following reasons:

  • I do physical labor.
  • I work at great depths.
  • I work in high temperatures.
  • I work in a damp environment.
  • I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
  • I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
  • My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
  • I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request under the following reasons:

  • You are unable to work double shifts.
  • You do not work 8 hours straight.
  • You will retire well before you are 65.
  • You fall asleep after brief work periods.
  • You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
  • You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
  • You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
  • You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
  • You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such as; wearing the required protective clothing.
  • You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed an assigned task.
  • And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina