Tag Archives: Puns

General, Sarcasm, Smart

Punny

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How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn’t find any

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane

A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils

She had a photographic memory but never developed it

Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know and don’t really care

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other “how do you drive this thing?”

The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark? I Noah guy

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine

What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus

Jokes

The Neo Normal

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Puns of the Year

•If you see me leaving this group, please add me again. It’s just that I’m so desperate to go out! 😜

•Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask 😷, and asking for money.

•Never thought my hands would one day consume more alcohol than my liver…ever! 🤷🏻‍♀️

•Quarantine seems like a Netflix series: just when you think it’s over, they release the next season…😕

•I’m starting to like this mask thing. I went to the supermarket yesterday and two people that I owe money to didn’t recognize me…😁

•Those complaining 2020 didn’t have enough holidays, what now?! 🙄🙄

•I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight! 🤢

•Could someone tell me if the second quarantine would be with the same family or we get to exchange? 😆

•I’m not planning on adding 2020 to my age. I didn’t even use it! 😬

•We want to publicly apologize to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it….🤭

•To all the ladies who were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them, how are you doing? 😝

•My washing machine only accepts pyjamas these days. I put in a pair of jeans 👖 and a message popped up : “Stay Home!” 👻

•If I see anyone crying on 31st December over the year coming to an end, I would personally smash a bottle on their head! 🤕

•After all that we have been through right now, the only thing missing would be the vaccine getting released in suppository form… 😐

•I feel like a teenager all year long: no money in the wallet, hair long and out of control, thinking what to do with my life, and grounded at home….😰

Jokes

Math Puns

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  1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

  1. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

  1. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

  1. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

  1. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

  1. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

  1. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

  1. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

  1. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

  1. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

  1. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

  1. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

  1. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

  1. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

  1. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

  1. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

  1. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

  1. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

  1. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

  1. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

  1. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.