Tag Archives: Relationships

General, Jokes, Politics, Sarcasm, scary, Silly

Lawyers

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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Factual, General, Learning, Smart, Trivia, WhatsApp

What is Chardi Kala?

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Chardi Kala means keep your morale (spirits) high no matter what the situation is. Have faith and keep doing good and stay positive , leave rest to God. This positive thinking will give you calm , peaceful and positive mind that doesn’t get bothered with obstacles of life , you will be in charhdi kala (high spirits ) always.

Sikhs are always happy because of the “Charhdi Kala” given to them by Guru Gobind Singh, the Tenth Sikh Guru.

This concept is commonly translated as “high morale,” but it is much more than that. According to Encylopedia of Sikhism,

“It stands for a perennially blossoming, unwilting spirit, a perpetual state of certitude resting on unwavering belief in Divine justice.”

Word “Kala” of Sanskrit origin has several shades of meaning, but the dominant among which is “energy.” Chardhi in Punjabi means rising, ascending, soaring. So “Charhdi Kala” means an intensely “engergized”, ever-ascending state of the spirit of an individual or a group.

If someone asks a Sikh (Ki haal hai) (How are you?), his answer would be “In “Charhdi Kala!” meaning I am in ascending spirits even when he might be in great pain or sorrow!

Sikh meditate and pray everyday. The prayer is concluded with the following liturgy:

Nanak Naam Charhdi Kala tere bhane sarbat da bhala.

In the name of Guru Nanak, let there by ascending spirit and welfare of all.

So a Sikh prays not only for himself or his family, but also for all living beings in the universe. When you have this kind of spirit and operate at that level, this brings happiness – Charhdi Kala just happens!

A Sikh prayer cannot be complete without praying for the welfare of all. So this spirit has a lot to do with the power of prayer.

It is a mental stage that keeps a person strong during the most difficult moment in life – even when one is facing a life and death situation. The spirit of defiance of all hardships is very much part of it. Sikhs are tenacious people who do not lose faith! Even when they lose, they do not know if they have lost because they never accept defeat!

This spirit of “Charhdi Kala” is unique to the Sikhs.

Disgusting, Factual, General, Jokes, Sarcasm, Silly, Smart

Business in a Pandemic

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This is how the pandemic has affected the economy: (and enjoy the nuances of the English language)

This lockdown has led to several local businesses going bankrupt.
The blouse manufacturer has gone bust.
The specialist in submersibles has gone down under.
The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.
The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with expenses.
The tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road.
The bread company has run out of dough.
The clock manufacturer has had to wind down and the owner has gone cuckoo.
The Chinese food company has been taken away.
The shoe shop owner has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
The bread bakeries are all toast.
And yes, it’s curtains for theatres.

Silly

Lie Detector

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A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides 2 test it @ dinner.
Dad: Son, where were u today during school hours?
SON: at School. Robot slaps son! Ok,I lied, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was Bedroom Eyes.
DAD: What?! When I was ur age,I didn’t even know what films were.. Robot slaps Dad!
MOM: Ha ha! After all he’s ur son. Robot slaps mom…!
Total Silence…! 🙂

General, Smart

A diary entry by a man

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Last week , my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me…
She Finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least the bitch knows I’m smarter than her! =))